So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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