Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
