I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
