He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
