i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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