no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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