Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
