you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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