I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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