I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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