Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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