Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
