it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
