Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
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Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
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I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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