The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
