the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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