Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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