i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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