I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
