I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
