Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
