I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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