I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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