my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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