Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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