What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
