seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
