Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
