1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
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I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
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I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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