That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This is my gift to your gina
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
