mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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