It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
