He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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