I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
