Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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