but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
