Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize