Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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