i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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