I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
