Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
