I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
