I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
