I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
bring money and cleavage
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
