new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
