Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
