There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
