Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
