I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
