if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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