I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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