i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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