In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
