If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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