I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm always down for nudity.
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