Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
