Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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