We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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