This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
