God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
