i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if only i could text you this smell
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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