Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
